Wednesday, December 10, 2008

We Want YOU! (To Melt Snow)

I think I may have just figured out how to save the United States Armed Forces.

You see, recruitment is down and the military is stretched thin. I know this, not only because I read the papers, but also because there are an awful lot of military commercials popping up whenever I watch something on Hulu.

While I watched Heroes the other day, they kept playing Air Force ads and they were all feel-goody about how swell it is using remote-control drones and how neat it is to watch planes take off, by golly, shucks.

I'm sorry, I just don't think those ads are working.

Think about it. If someone is against war in general, the commercials just seem snarky ("We use drones to save lives!" Um, no... you don't.) and, if someone is pro-war, the commercials don't appeal to that gut-level animal instinct that drives men to destroy things for fun (Look, if I wanted to save lives, I'd have become a doctor. Or Oprah).

But I think I figured out a way to appeal to both groups.

I came across this article the other day:

Washington Strains for Inauguration

"Even for a city practiced at handling huge protests, marches and funerals, the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama will put an unusual strain on local resources.

Because Washington has been allotted only about $15 million in federal money to help pay for all major events in the city for the entire year, local officials say they are most concerned about the costs of handling the more than 1.5 million spectators expected to come here, the largest crowd in inaugural history.

The $15 million is roughly $2.3 million less than the city spent just for President Bush’s second inauguration, in 2005, which attracted 300,000 spectators."
That kinda sucks, huh? They're about to have the "Largest. Inauguration. EVER." to swear in a president that a nice chunk of the "heavily-armed nutjob" demographic would like to send "back and to the left" and the city only has $15 million? Not just for the event but for the entire year?? That's $2 million less than what was needed for simply the second inauguration of the least popular president in American history! Makes no sense.

But I digress.

Anyway, the part that got me was in the following paragraph (emphasis added is mine):
"'If we get snow, things could get even more expensive,' said Dan Tangherlini, the city administrator, pointing out that in 1961, inauguration planners called out 700 troops with shovels and flamethrowers after an unexpected storm blanketed the city in eight inches of snow before John F. Kennedy’s ceremony. To clear the snow from the inauguration parade route can cost the city more than $1 million alone, Mr. Tangherlini said."
They used flamethrowers. To melt snow.


First of all, how much would it suck to be in the "shovel" group?

Second, can't you just picture the recruitment ads??

Open with a tight shot of a snowman.

The camera slowly starts to zoom out.

Narrator: Join the Army...

The shot widens to reveal more snowmen.

: And every winter...

The shot widens more to reveal an entire field of snowmen.

: We'll let you melt snow...

The shot widens to reveal a soldier wearing a flamethower and a maniacal, shit-eating grin.

: With a flamethrower.

The soldier pulls down his googles, turns towards the snowmen, aims, then BLAST!!

Just as the flames are about to hit the first snowman, jump-cut to title card:

The Army.
We have freakin' flamethrowers.

Sign ME up.

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