Monday, September 8, 2008

"No Speaky Japanesey"

Currently at Sea-Tac airport.

I've got another half-hour until boarding starts so I figured I'd give the old Windows Live Writer a shot. Not sure when I'll be able to post this. They've got internet here but it's AT&T, which means it's not free (and, lest we forget, I'm cheap). Maybe they'll have free wireless in San Francisco. (Somehow I doubt it.)

They've got CNN on. Is there really another hurricane heading for Florida? Or are they just playing a rerun? Wow, I've been so caught up with getting ready the past few days that I was completely unaware of it.

Made it to the airport with time to spare. I actually got in line for United before they opened. There were only 3 people in front of me. One of them was a Serbian women who sounded cartoon vampire-ish, like Angilena Jolie in "Alexander". ("You vill be king! I vont to suck your blood! Von, two, three... three bats! Ah-ah-ah!")

The relative calm of the airport at 4 am was broken by Count Complain-a-lot bitching loudly into her cell phone about her job while her child - who was on a leash which was cleverly (and fittingly) disguised as a monkey backpack - kept crying and running away from her.

After far too long, she finally got off of the phone. That's when Attila the Ticket Officer appeared. While Attila's shift had only just begun, she was already over it. She explained the check-in procedure to the line as if she was addressing a classroom full bratty kids wearing monkey backpacks. I wanted to pull her aside and have a quick chat with her:

"You know, honey... I get it.

It's early. You're tired.

Well, so are we. But I've still got Homeland Security and 14+ hours of travel time to deal with. So cut the attitude, OK? Especially since it seems that the extent of your job is to point us to the self-check-in terminals where we get to do all of the work anyway."

But, I wanted to avoid a deep-cavity search (or, as we call it here in America, a "Freedom Handshake"), so I kept my mouth shut.

Oh, it was great, though... while I was self-checking in, Attila sent a guy to the terminal next to mine. This man - who I will call Hank, Jr. - had achieved such a level of hick-titude that he would have made Jeff Foxworthy blush. Hank, Jr. walked up, gave the computer a "WTF?" look, literally scratched his head, and then said to no one in particular, "Ah, hell... I cain't do this. I ain't got no ticket or nuttin'."

Attila stormed over and said in a "don't be a dipshit" way, "Just touch the screen".

Fittingly, where Hank touched brought up the Japanese instructions. When the scramble of kanji appeared, he said in a "see, I told you so" way, "No speaky Japanesey".

Attila eventually caved and took him to the ticket counter and I got to start my early morning with a smile.

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